Sumit Goyal’s Webpage

Make sure you read it till the end!!

Earl was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Earl how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.“

So Earl and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Earl! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

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Are You bored of your life?? Then this is for you!!

This is resolution independent. Just center it on your desktop and make your background white.

Dont take this too seriously. LOL

WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers, no cheating!!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Answers after the break

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Click the image to enlarge or read the text after the break.

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Subject: Resignation

To whomsoever it may concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

• I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
• I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
• I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
• I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
• I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
• I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
• I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it’s prettier and weighs more.
• I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
• I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn’t know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
• I want to think the world is fair.
• I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
• I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
• I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
• I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.

So……here’s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my bank statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address, pager, cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause,

“Tag!”…

“You’re it!”

Squarks’ are problems noted by US air force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those air force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tyre almost need replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
(S) Auto-land not installed on the aircraft.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) No. 2 propeller seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3, and no. 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200fpm decent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That’s what they’re there for.

(P) No. 3 engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, ‘fly right, and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with words.

I found this list over the internet and I can relate myself to it to the core. It definitely is something from every web devs heart.

Any similarity with real people/events is purely coincidental and no-one should feel targeted, I’ve made this list solely for fun.

So here it is (in no particular order):

1. Pre-reserve your domain and hosting with a small and obscure foreign web based company.
2. Assume that those who made your website also inherited the technical support for your emails.
3. Send all your texts on plain old paper, but not handwritten. It’s important that the guy who has to retype them knows that there is a digital version somewhere.
4. When the webmaster ask for your logo, give him an old business card that was in your wallet for the last 3 years.
5. When he ask “what you would like to be able to change by yourself in your website”, answer “everything!”. And when the site is done, send him your stuff instead of changing it yourself.
6. Ask him a for “plug & play” quotation, Ex.: “I’d like a quotation of the site with and without a shopping cart, with and without the gallery ..” and so on for every single part of your site.
7. Send him drafts, let him integrate them, then send some corrections.. iterate over and over until he collapse crying in a corner of the room.
8. Although you don’t know anything about the web (and proclaim it), insist that the web designers do the site exactly like you want it instead of what they think would be best for you.
9. During the initial meeting, brag that you will write all the needed texts over night and send them back the next morning. Then give no sign of life for the next 3 month and call back asking “Is my site done yet ?!”
10. Tell him you need a Youtube like website but with Facebook functionalities and the simplicity of Google. Of course you have a very limited budget and the quotation must be on your desk for the next morning.

Bonus: When you receive your quotation argue that your nephew can do it for a fraction of the price in his basement.

Written by http://www.haineault.com/blog/27/

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. ” Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”

“How about transportation?” the father asked.

“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”